Real stories of resilience

The rocky road to my rainbow

BY BETHANY LORENE

Pregnancy is so hard physically and mentally, even without the added fear of loss. Mothers go through so much to conceive, to nurture their babies as they develop in the womb, and to bring them to Earth. All of this happens before the baby even leaves the womb, and the real work of being a mother begins! Mothers are superheroes, I’m convinced.

My own little experience with miscarriage and pregnancy after loss has opened my eyes to the experiences of many of my fellow mothers. For something so “natural” and seemingly easy, the path to a healthy, full-term pregnancy can be incredibly difficult and heartbreaking. Many women experience miscarriages and yet find the courage to move on with their lives, care for their other children, and try to conceive again. Many mothers go through IVF treatments, injecting themselves hundreds of times, undergoing multiple surgeries, sometimes for years on end, before finally holding their babies in their arms. Some mothers face the unthinkable and endure the stillbirth of a perfectly healthy baby just weeks before their due date, and still find the strength to keep going. Mothers can endure a lot and still be strong.

“Many women suffer miscarriages and still find the courage to move on with their lives, take care of their other children and try to get pregnant again.”

Last year, I suffered a miscarriage, perhaps one of the hardest days of my life. It felt like the ground had fallen out from under me; everything I had been so sure of suddenly seemed so unreal. How could this happen to me, after two healthy pregnancies? Although I knew many friends who had miscarried, I naively assumed that I would never experience one.

It was so early, and I remember thinking in those painful moments, "Well, at least this happened now, and not when I was 30 weeks pregnant." But one thing I realized is that all miscarriages are deeply, deeply painful. It doesn't matter if you were 8 weeks pregnant or 8 months pregnant, you carried your baby in your womb, and that baby meant the world to you. That baby was your future.

“When I started bleeding and suspected I was losing our baby, I went to the hospital to be sure. I hadn’t even had a prenatal appointment yet, so I didn’t really know how far along I was. I thought I was eight weeks, and at that point, there might have been a heartbeat.”

When I started bleeding and suspected I was losing our baby, I went to the hospital to be sure. I hadn’t even had a prenatal appointment yet, so I didn’t really know how far along I was. I thought I was eight weeks along, and at that point, there might have been a heartbeat. So I figured if I went to the hospital, they could do an ultrasound and check to see if there was still a baby inside me, and whether or not it had a heartbeat. During the ultrasound, the technician showed me an empty yolk sac. I was so confused… where was the baby? Without much explanation, she said I might have what is considered a “blighted ovum.” I was left to Google blighted ovum and continue the abortion at home.

I desperately wanted to know where my baby was, because I was pregnant, right? When my body expelled a large clot that felt like something important, I tried to carefully dissect it, looking for a small tadpole-like body, anything to hold on to, something to bury. But I found nothing. My body may have somehow reabsorbed the tiny beginnings of my baby, and I will never know. Explaining this to our five-year-old daughter was so painful. I excitedly told her that we were having a third baby, only to have to put her through this devastating turn of events just a week later. The best explanation I could come up with was that our baby wasn’t ready to grow up yet, and when the baby was ready, they would come back to me. And I wanted so badly for that to be true… I didn’t want to accept that this little soul was gone forever.

I am now eight months pregnant with my fourth baby. I never know whether to say third or fourth baby... did we lose the third? No one can explain what happens to babies when they stop growing, so part of me clings to the belief that this baby I am carrying IS the same baby I lost. I want to believe that he or she has come back to me.

This pregnancy, after our loss, has been different than my pregnancies before my miscarriage. This pregnancy has been accompanied by more anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Because now I know, nothing is guaranteed. The first few weeks were the scariest, of course, since that’s when miscarriages are most common. But even now that I’m almost done, I can’t fully trust that everything will be okay. I want to believe that soon I’ll have three children snuggled up with me at home. But part of me holds back, not wanting to believe until after I’ve given birth and am holding this living, breathing baby in my arms.

Even though I know nothing is guaranteed about this pregnancy, I'm believing for the best. After all, when is anything in life guaranteed? Should that stop us from dreaming big and going after what we want? So I'm applying the same mindset to my pregnancy now. There's no point in worrying, because it doesn't change anything. I'm believing that everything will work out and I'll soon be holding my rainbow baby in my arms.

Follow Bethany's journey @bethanylorene

Recharging to stay resilient

BY MARIANA FRANCO

Hello! My name is Marina, a wife, mother of 5, and a registered postpartum nurse. In my spare time, I enjoy sharing my motherhood journey on social media, all things postpartum, and what it’s like to juggle home, work, and everything in between. Working in the postpartum field has always been a passion of mine. Helping women and their babies transition from pregnancy to postpartum is incredibly special, and as a nurse, you feel honored to have a front row seat to someone else’s journey and have the opportunity to help them. Whether you’re a first-time mom who might need a little extra support or a seasoned mom who has some tips and tricks to share, you learn that no matter where you are in your motherhood journey, one of the most amazing things is seeing how resilient moms are.

“Whether you’re a first-time mom who might need a little extra support or a seasoned mom who has some tips and tricks to share, you learn that no matter where you are in your motherhood journey, one of the most amazing things is seeing how resilient moms are.”

Let’s talk about this for a moment. Why is resilience in motherhood so important? Because no matter how exhausted we are, or how difficult things may seem, we must keep going. There is no giving up in motherhood. We push forward with every ounce of strength we have left in us. As a nurse, I not only have the honor of seeing babies being born, but I also have the privilege of witnessing a mother’s birth, and let me tell you, she is equipped with resilience from the very beginning. Even if one doesn’t realize it, there is absolutely nothing a mother wouldn’t do for her child. As a mother of five, I have learned that motherhood will always have difficult days and seasons, and when things get tough, we have to be able to get through it.

In my personal experience, being a mother and working as a nurse caring for other mothers, I have learned that the key to resilience is not pushing yourself so hard that you burn out, but rather the opposite. The key is to push yourself hard, stop, take time to recover, and try again. Resilience is about taking time to recharge our batteries to protect our health, mental well-being, and energy so that we can truly be the best version of ourselves for our children. I have been a mother for 10 years and realizing this has made resilience much more attainable. I have had some challenging journeys in my motherhood journey, but taking time to recharge when needed has made me a much more effective mother and better able to handle the tough times.

“I’ve had some challenging journeys on my motherhood journey, but taking time to recharge my batteries when needed has made me a much more effective mother and better able to handle the tough times.”

As a mother, you may feel scared, stressed, overwhelmed, and make mistakes, but embracing those feelings and not letting them take over your life is what makes you resilient. You have the skills and resources to handle whatever comes your way.”

Follow Mariana's journey @marinaaaafranco

Riding the rollercoaster of motherhood

BY SAMANTHA FLEMING

Hey ladies! My name is Samantha Fleming. You can follow me on Instagram @_samanthaLfLeming. I am currently 6 months postpartum with my son and also raising my beautiful 6 year old daughter!

Motherhood is such a beautiful experience, but it’s also the most demanding job in the world. And unlike most women, I was thrust into motherhood at the age of 19. I had been dating my boyfriend (now husband) for less than a year and was entering my sophomore year of college. My husband had just graduated from college, and we were both working menial summer jobs. I couldn’t face my parents to take the test, so I went to the local community park and took the test in the bathroom. I knew in my gut that I was pregnant, and when I took the test, I turned it around so I couldn’t read it right away.

“My period was a week late and I was experiencing morning sickness, which I initially thought was car sickness.”

My period was a week late and I was experiencing morning sickness, which I originally thought was motion sickness from a car ride. The minute the timer went off, I flipped the test over and fell to my knees at the dark pink lines that showed my future was going up in smoke. I struggled emotionally, physically, and mentally during the first 2 trimesters of my pregnancy. I was constantly vomiting and emotionally absent because my boyfriend lived 4 hours away with his parents. I was still living at home and decided to continue my summer job at my parents’ company.

From the beginning, I knew I needed my own village, so I refused to live with my husband’s family, even though they had more space in their house. My boyfriend kept telling me he would be there for us, but I didn’t feel that way in my heart. I knew he would be a good father, but I was having to deal with the reality of being a wife and mother at the same time. My focus was strictly on what I needed to do to help my daughter have a good life. I continued my education, and after a while, my boyfriend moved my family into a small 3-bedroom, 2-bathroom house of 1,100 square feet. He shared the room with my younger brother, my parents, 2 dogs, me, and now our baby. Plus, my grandmother, who was in a wheelchair, stayed there on the weekends.

“The pregnancy was exhausting, but after my daughter was born (February 2017), I started a new journey to do the best I can for her.”

Pregnancy was exhausting, but after my daughter was born (February 2017), I began a new journey of doing the best I could for her. She and I struggled with breastfeeding, and since she was such a good sleeper, I let her sleep in, which wasn’t good for her weight gain. She was on formula and I was pumping. I could only get 2 oz total from both breasts and it was devastating. At 5 months, I chose to call it quits and focus on parenting and bonding with her in other ways. My boyfriend and I got married in January 2018 and moved into our little 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom duplex. It was amazing for our little family and we lived 1 block away from my parents’ house. After having my daughter and in preparation for our wedding, I chose to go on birth control. I struggled with birth control pills for years, and when I kept switching and not finding the right balance, my OB said we shouldn't get an IUD yet, which was a good thing because I had ovarian cysts that were found a few months later. In June 2019, we moved to North Carolina and I started my job as a teacher.

We had talked about having more children and didn’t want to have a big age gap between them, so we flirted with the idea of ​​having more while my husband was in medical school. Medical school was incredibly stressful and in October 2020, I decided that I was done with birth control and that whatever was going to happen would happen. We weren’t officially trying, but we weren’t using any birth control either. We decided not to start trying until January 2022 since he was graduating that summer. Well, I was at work and feeling sick, tired, and semi-nauseous. I took a test when I got home and there was a very light pink line which resulted in a positive pregnancy test at 3 weeks pregnant. I was hoping and praying for an easy pregnancy since my first one was a rollercoaster of emotions and nausea. This one was by far the worst of the two pregnancies. I was extremely sick, on medication and still throwing up from the medication. I was extremely uncomfortable, had no control over my bladder, and struggled with aspiration during sleep due to the excess acid that Tums wouldn’t reduce. I also found out that I have something called a bicornuate uterus, or a “heart-shaped” uterus. This means that only one side of my uterus will grow and expand with the baby, which can restrict the baby’s growth. I had to have ultrasounds at every appointment up until my 39-week appointment. Everything was healthy except my son was breech throughout the pregnancy. I didn’t qualify for a doctor or nurse to “turn” the baby because of my uterus, the likelihood of it working was extremely slim. I tried every home trick I could find on the internet, including glute bridges on an elevated surface, which seemed semi-dangerous since I was 8 1/2 months pregnant doing it on my couch.

After much patience and prayer, he finally changed! I was able to have a natural, unmedicated birth again! A healthy 7 lb baby boy was born, ready for the world 1 day before his due date! With my daughter struggling to latch on, I was adamant that my son and I would have the full breastfeeding experience. I had my mom help me wake up at night and stay awake with me so that I could have the full breastfeeding experience. He was gaining weight, and I was producing milk like a machine. I was so proud of the bond this had created and felt like I could breastfeed forever! At 6 weeks old, my son started sleeping from 9 or 10 at night until about 3 or 4 in the morning. At his 2 month appointment, the doctor said his percentiles had dropped and he wasn't gaining weight the way they wanted. They gave us another week and then did a weight check, still hadn't gained much weight. To the point where my doctor said he had lost 3 oz, which was not right, and that he needed to be on extra calorie formula ASAP. She described my milk as skim, rather than whole milk, which is what a baby needs. She said it was rare, but more studies are coming out about moms who don't have enough hindmilk balance. The doctor told me that since my son was so far behind a healthy baby weight, he would probably never breastfeed again because the amount of milk he was drinking couldn't be tracked. We immediately put him on formula and began the process of me pumping full time.

“I cried almost daily that first month because I just wanted to stop. I was missing out on the opportunity to bond with my son, which was something I wanted more than anything. After a month of exclusively pumping, I decided that was the end of my breastfeeding journey.”

Pumping became emotionally draining and seemed impossible as I was trying to keep up with a 6 year old and a toddler who had to eat every two hours. I felt like I couldn't give him the milk he expressed anyway, so what was the point in continuing? I cried almost daily that first month because I just wanted to stop. I was missing out on bonding with my son, which was something I craved more than anything. After a month of exclusively pumping, I decided that this was the end of my breastfeeding journey. We are choosing not to have any more children because of a complication with my uterus, the babies would still be small, and because of how miserable I felt throughout the pregnancy. Now, my biggest struggle is my son spitting up excessively to the point of losing weight. It has been emotionally draining because of all the money we spent on special formulas, only for it to not work for him. It has been a rollercoaster 6 months with life and being so busy. I would never trade my children for the world and I love them with all my heart. I know I was born to be a mother, and even though my motherhood journey ends with 2, I am beyond grateful for the two I have.